ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
