Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
