does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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