you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize