Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How external is "for external use only"?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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