Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
