Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
