I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
