This girl is more easily done than said...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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