No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I love having hate sex.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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