is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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