just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
