i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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