then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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