soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Semen is not good for contacts.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
