I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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