At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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