hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
