I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
