just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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