Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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