Sry I called you an 8
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
