If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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