You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
