I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
