My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she smelled like a LAN party
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
