I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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