Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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