okay pat passed out under dana's car
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
