just come out here and I will go home with you...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
