marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
