i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
