At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
