gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
