I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
