Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just gift wrapped bread.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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