He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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