I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
