she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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