Three words: puerto rican gang bang
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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