so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
