Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
