I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
