The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
