turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
