You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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