bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
