This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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