I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
