You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize