OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
