She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
