Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
