The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
