Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
