I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
