I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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