im about as happy as oj after his trial
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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