Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
sex in a hospital.. check
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
