I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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