I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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