you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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