I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
