I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
