I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
