She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
