Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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