Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
