You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
