So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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