You really coming over, don't trick.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
