you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
