Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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