Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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