Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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