Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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