How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
pray to the hookup gods
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
